Fundamentally, I view our struggles not as mental disorders but rather as relational wounds. For many of us, these wounds didn't occur in our adult life but rather in our early childhood. But understanding our childhood can be very difficult. I liken it to walking into a movie halfway in and trying to understand what all you missed. For so many, there were no distinct memories of abuse, trauma, or chaos in the family. If you relate to this, then you are not alone in trying to understand what happened. In fact, it can be very shaming in the sense that you don't have any specific thing / event to tie your addiction / struggle too. For others, there was overt abuse, and that brings its own set of challenges and pain. Regardless, part of counseling is to make sense of your story so that you can understand your life story accurately. The goal is to name not blame. It is too look graciously at oneself and your past.
It is relationship that heals us. It is learning a new set of language, tools, and approach to doing relationship that allows us to enter into healing. The goal is to never "try" harder. Rather, it is more letting go and than anything. That is a great paradox in recovery.
Its widely mentioned that Oxytocin is the attachment drug. Who knew that Oxytocin could also contribute to keeping men out of trouble? A recent study in Germany shows evidence that attached men who received a nasal spray of Oxytocin kept a further distance from attractive women than men who didn't get the Oxytocin spray.
We were created to have Oxytocin. It is amazing to think that when a mother breast-feeds her baby Oxytocin is being release creating a bond between the mother and child. That very drug that we were made to have is the very same chemical that is released (contributing to addiction) when an addict goes to porn or sex.